Woman Pens Hilarious Adoption Bio For ‘Utter Bastard Of A Cat'

By Travis Greenwood

Some cats keep it low key and chill, but Mr. Biggles — an "utter utter utter bastard of a cat" — isn't one of them.

Australian shelter pens hilarious bio for utter bastard of a cat
"Mr Biggles is a despot and dictator"
credit: petrescue.com

That, at least, is according to the cheeky bio written for him by Cat People Of Melbourne, an animal adoption agency in Australia that's trying to place the 2-year-old domestic shorthair in a new home.

Penned by Lord Bigglesworth's current foster mom, Gina Brett (who also doubles as CPOM's founder), the note — and attendant website, utterbastardcat.com — has found a viral audience online thanks in part to its unconventional tone and message.

"He looks gorgeous with his slinky ... black fur and big yellow eyes... but beware. If he doesn't like what you're doing he will give you a nip! Sometimes he likes to swipe at your feet too. It just depends on what he can reach at the time."

Australian shelter pens hilarious bio for utter bastard of a cat
This is the face of evil
credit: petrescue.com

Funny stuff, right? But wait because it gets even more bananas!

Describing Biggles as a diva-like despot prone to "catty tantrums," the piece warns would-be adopters and "human slaves" that "he will let you know he is not happy, which is often because things are often just not up to his high standards." (WRITER'S NOTE: SOUNDS LIKE MY EDITOR, LOL! 😉)

Australian shelter pens hilarious bio for utter bastard of a cat
"Rub my belly one more time and I will scratch your eyes out"
credit: petrescue.com

To be fair, the shiny black house panther isn't entirely without his redeeming qualities. At the risk of incurring his wrath for spilling secrets, Brett reveals that Mr. Biggles has a soft(er) side — but he chooses the time and place to show it.

"While he's not a fan of being picked up, [Mr. Biggles] likes a pat and cuddle from time to time and even permits kisses on his ... black head if he's feeling mellow. He loves sleeping on the end of the humans bed, and in his cat bed (and he snores just a little bit, it's so cute)," it continues.

In the "interview" embedded below, Biggles is peppered with questions about his reputation as a home-wrecking terror, but he isn't particularly forthcoming.

See for yourself:

Interview with Mr Biggles

Mr Biggles is pleased that his utter bastardry is being recognised worldwide. He granted an exclusive interview via his human slave for his adoring public to view.

Posted by Cat People of Melbourne on Thursday, May 18, 2017

Though interest in Lord Bigglesworth has spiked, no human has adopted him as yet. If you live in the Melbourne area and would like to know more, contact Cat People Of Melbourne through their Facebook page.

Reminder: Black cats are re-homed at a slower rate than their lighter-hued peers. Don't be afraid to open your heart — and house — to them!

Is your cat a domestic terrorist? Tell us about in the comment section below!