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I'm only four months old, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that cats rule and dogs drool. I've also learned that tuna is delicious, and that crinkly balls of paper are way more fun than regular toys. Yes, I'm very advanced for my age. Here's the information I've gathered on how to make sure the dogs know who's boss.
1. Dogs are pack animals. Establish dominance over one, and the rest will fall into line.
2. A quick, well-executed bop to the nose is usually enough to remind a dog who's in charge.
3. Make sure the dog understands that your comfort is the number one priority.
4. Designate an area of the house as the "time out corner," and send the dog there as often as necessary.
5. Use your surroundings to gain advantage against the dog. For example, elevation:
6. You'd be amazed what you can accomplish when properly camouflaged.
7. Dog barks? Bark back at them.
8. Loud noises in general may cause a dog to become confused and disoriented.
9. Don't be alarmed by their feeble attempts at intimidation.
10. Make it clear to the dog that access to certain parts of the house is conditional.
11. Keep dogs on edge with the occasional sneak attack.
12. Some dogs are more difficult to boss around than others. Don't be afraid to ask for help!
13. Whisper a few well-crafted insults in a dog's ear, and you can utterly shatter their self esteem.
14. Never underestimate the power of vicious mockery!
15. If you get to them soon enough, humans can prove to be excellent allies.
16. Practice your dominance techniques on replica dogs.
17. Reconnaissance is important. Study the dog for weaknesses from a safe distance.
18. Identify a dog's vulnerable areas, and strike without mercy.
19. Persistence is key.
20. From time to time, humans may undermine your position in the household hierarchy. Don't get discouraged.
21. Confidence is much more important than size.
22. Identify "dog people" and convert them as soon as possible. Eliminate if necessary.
23. Get creative!
24. You may find it useful to study human video games for inspiration.
25. The occasional display of affection will lull a dog into a false sense of security.
26. A massage goes a long way towards making dogs more susceptible to your control.
27. Ultimately, your cuteness is your greatest weapon. Dogs are softies deep down, and with the proper training, you can have them wrapped around your paw in no time.