Cats: durry little angels who can do no wrong, or feral hellspawn armed with murder mittens?
That's the duality some are debating on Twitter after Nicole Cliffe, a writer and editor, asked her 138,000+ followers for tips on how to best wrangle devil-may-care-I-do-what-I-want kitties into crates and carriers.
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After sharing that her husband's strategy for coping with their recalcitrant mouser was DOA ...
... Cliffe's thread pivoted more broadly into a discussion of "mean cat" horror stories, the funniest of which have been cobbled together below.
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll facepalm ... but in the end, you'll probably admit that these catty anecdotes are very on brand and eminently relatable for this most inscrutable of species.
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1. "This is Louis, a sweet baby angel unless youâre trying to clip his claws and then heâs a demon. At his last vet visit they told me to consider having him treated by a vet thatâll come to my house. đŹ it took 2 vet techs, a towel, and the vet herself to give him his rabies shot."
2. "My cat has a note in all caps red letters on his vet file that he can't be handled without a muzzle ÂŻ\_(ă)_/ÂŻ"
3. "This is Dylan. She has 3 legs & is my boyfriends '1st girlfriend' because she only allows him to touch her. This is her after she took over my side of the bed. She also steals my spot on the couch/chairs if I get up to get water etc. I am getting mean girlâd by a cat."
4. "The most experienced vet at our practice took Rory and her cone of shame separately into a room and emerged about 40 min later, Rory smugly still un-coned. 'Just...try to keep her from picking at the wound.'"
5. "Beadie (5.5 lbs of Fury, RIP) had multiple notes in her file at the vet, it took 4-5 adults, leather gauntlets they use for birds of prey, and an occasional leather hood/mask to take her vitals and administer injections."
Postscript:
6. "Misu (short for Tiramisu) is not THAT bad... but perhaps her worst habit is when her dad or I have ice cream, she will climb on us (shoulders, arms, laps, etc) & lick at the spoon/bowl/carton until we give her some. Sheâs ~relentless~. Vanilla Haagen Dazs is her favorite..."
7. "My cat hid in the bottom level of her cat tree (about 3ft tall) on moving day so we just stuffed a sheet in the exit hole and moved her in that đ"
8. "We used to get my childhood cat to the vet by laying out a small laundry basket of fresh laundry for her to fall asleep in, then trapping her with another laundry basket on top, and duct taping them together. Everyone at the vet laughed... and understood."
9. "This is Jack. He is very handsome. He is 20 lbs. He has to be drugged pre-vet, and taken to a back room where he can only be handled by people in leather gloves."
10. "When she was just a kitten, the vet brought her out in a carrying case wrapped in 'warning: dangerous animal' tape. My arm is covered in scars from her attacks. The children in our life literally refer to her as 'mean cat.' Her name is Bea Arthur [and] we love her."
11. "My cat was incredibly kind for 11 straight years. Then the day I left for college, she emptied every single potted plant in the house on our white carpet & shredded every single book or piece of paper and piled them in front of the door."
12. "My cat wasn't mean so much as kind of a big jerkface. Her most on-brand story was her first Christmas with us where she pretended her claw was stuck on a branch of the tree and mewled pitifully until I came to rescue her, at which point she let go and it whapped me in the face."
13. "Our cleaning person quit because Sacco literally stalked him and attacked his hands while cleaning"
14. "My cat used to get on top of the door, pretend to be stuck, and then ruthlessly attack anyone foolish enough to try to rescue her. Afterwards she'd hop off of the door like it was no big deal"
15. "Sparky once launched himself off the vet exam table post-Gabapenten, while being restrained by vet tech who caught him midair. Vet nodded w respect and said, âa true ninja,â before proceeding."
16. "My dad taught Charlie how to turn on and off the lights. If you zoom in, you can see the light switch in his mouth. He now waits until Iâm in the shower, then turns off all of the lights. He is an evil genius."
17. "This is Maya, inherited from a coworker who could not keep her, because she had had the temerity to give birth to a human child and Maya was hunting that child."
18. "My cat went through a phase of hating the litter box and one night I was ... in my living room and he walked up to the door outside my room and proceeded to pee for an OBSCENELY long time while looking at me right in the eyes. As I screamed at him to stop. RUDE."
19. "Over the past 12 years weâve had multiple overnight guests complain that Poutine reacts to snoring by shoving open the door to the guest bedroom, hopping onto the bed, reaching her paw into their open mouth, and hitting their uvula/tongue until they wake up. Sheâs perfect."
20. "This is my mean lady lunar. Picked her up from the RSPCA 3 years ago. Loves my mother to death, hates me with the passion of 1000 burning suns occasionally. I will continue to love her until I die and shall bear the scars of my love for years to come."
21. "I am so grateful for my angel cat. So, so happy. Also I recommend whatever drugs the vet will prescribe to knock her out long enough to get her up there đ¤ˇââď¸ When in doubt..."
h/t Twitter Moments